That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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