I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
