Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize