How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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