Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
