He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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