he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
