Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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