Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
