I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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