He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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