now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
