Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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