i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
