on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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