I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
