No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
