Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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