I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
