omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize