I got chris browned last night
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
