a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just found puke in my bra..
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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