DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
