you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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