paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
