I didn't shave. On purpose
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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