I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
