We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize