So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
