I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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