Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
