Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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