I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
