my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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