you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
