the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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