Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
