My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
