Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize