No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
