kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
