And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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