Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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