I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize