Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
The air taste purple.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
