Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
