apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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