I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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