Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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