I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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