Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
