Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
