MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
