I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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