I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
