So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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