fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
