what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
being pregnant is like rehab
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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