The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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