Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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