dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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