I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
