Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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