if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
