Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
