just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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