Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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