Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
