"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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