Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
