Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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