i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
