No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
