We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
