You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize