hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
